Who I really am
by Lily Rosalia
Summary: Sara is kidnapped... There's a lot about Sara's past involved. Just read it if you want to find out who Sara really is...
1. Chapter 1

She woke up in darkness. She sat up straight and looked around. Not that there was anything to see, all there was was darkness. She didn't feel anything. She wasn't at her home, that's for sure.

Why couldn't she remember anything? Had she been drinking? No, she hadn't been drinking for a long time. And she was used to a little drank. She would have to drink a lot if she wanted to be completely wasted.

Suddenly she was awake enough to feel again. Her head hurt like hell! She lied down again and felt her face. She recognized the pain immediately, she was beaten pretty bad. She sighed, she never thought this would ever happen again. Suddenly the light in the room was turned on. She blinked to adjust her eyes to it, but it wasn't really working. She closed her eyes again. That darkness wasn't all that bad after all...

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"Hey Griss. Have you seen Sara?" Warrick asked as he entered the room.

Grissom sat at his desk. He didn't answer.

"Yo Grissom!" Warrick waved his hand in front of his face.

"That I don't answer your question doesn't mean I didn't hear it." Grissom said without looking up.

"Well actually..."

"I don't know where she is, wasn't she on a case with Catherine?"

"You put Sara on a case with Catherine?" Warrick asked in disbelief. Everyone saw that the two woman couldn't stand each other.

"Yes I did, something wrong with that?" Grissom had no clue what Warrick was talking about.

"Well, your ears may be alright, but your eyes sure aren't!" He walked away while laughing at his own joke.

"Hey Cath, have you seen Sara? I need to give her these test results." He held up a paper.

"Um no... She hasn't even arrived at the building jet. She probably just late, I guess..." For a moment Warrick thought he heard some concern in her voice. It was kinda strange for Sara to be late. She was never late, never!

"Well, when you see her, could you just..."

"Warrick, Catherine, in my office now! Um... please." Catherine grinned. That man just couldn't sound mad, even if he tried so hard.

"So, you coming?" Warrick asked, already standing by the door. She nodded and followed him in Grissom's office.

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**Hey, this is my first csi fic. I'm lily. I'm fifteen and I live in Holland (you know, the little country). I'm sorry if my English is a little off sometimes... I know it's not all too good sometimes but I'm learning...Well, about the story... I'm a really big Sara fan and I have been dreaming about this thing for a long time now, so I thought I'd write it down. I really enjoy writing a lot, I hope you enjoy reading my stories. I have written another story on csi:ny, it;s not really done yet. I kinda have a huge writers block so... I love getting reviews, so please tell me what you like and don't like about my story. (and corrections on the English are more than welcome, too) Thanks already.**

**Love Lily.**


	2. Chapter 2

When Greg and Nick arrived, too, Grissom showed everyone the note he had recieved just a few minutes ago. Someone had Sara. It stood there, on the little paper. Everyone looked at him in disbelief. Nick shook his head. Nobody spoke, they all had no clue what to say.

Then Grissom showed them something else he had gotten. A massage on his computer. Everyone had the same feeling they had a year ago, when Nick was kidnapped.

Grissom almost didn't dare to press the "play" button, but Warrick laid a hand on his shoulder. His eyes said they had to do this. It was the only way to help Sara. Grissom pressed the button and everyone in the room learned to respect Sara more than ever.

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Sara was sitting against the wall. She was rubbing her eyes. Sha had a big cut on her cheek. It wasn't bleeding anymore.

She finally stopped rubbing her eyes and blinked a few times. She could finally see clear again.

For the first time she saw the room she was in. It had a cement floor, which probably was the cause of her sore back. The walls were gray, just like the floor. It was quite big, probably just as big as her own bedroom. The door looked heavy. Sunlight was blocked by the curtains that hung in front of the only window.

She lowly stood up, she was still a little dizzy. She walked over to the window and opened the curtains. And as the sunlight filled the room, the memories filled her head...

She was at home, alone. She was getting ready for work, she was already late. Then there was a knock on the door. Just as she opened the door she was grabbed by strong arms and a hand covered her mouth. The next thing she knew was she was here, in a grey room.

I was drugged, she figured, and beaten. How long had she been here? Who did this? Did people know she was gone? She started to get more and more confused by the memories. To surpress a panic attac she stared out of the window, trying to figure out where she was. Not that that was very useful, since there was no one she could tell it to, but it was the only thing she could do...

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Grissom quickly turned around.

"I want someone watching this every minute of the day. Look for clues of where she is and who did this. Catherine, Nick, will you do that for me?" He didn't really wait for their answers. "You, follow me." He walked out followed by Greg and Warrick.

Catherine gave Nick a look. She had never seen Grissom so serious. Ok, she had, but it had only happened a few times. Nick was already sitting behind the desk, watching the tape. Catherine grabbed a chair and started watching what would become the longest movie she had ever seen.

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Sara had no idea of where she was. All she could see from the window was that she was on the first floor of a house, which was surrounded by trees. Just trees, that was all she had.

She turned around and walked towards the door. She tried it, but it was locked, as she expected. There was absolutely nothing she could do. Just wait. If Sara wasn't good at anything in the whole world it was waiting and feeling useless. She sat down against the wall again...

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Nick and Catherine had watched a standing, sitting and now lying Sara. A very bored Sara. She was never going to last a day in there. Nick felt really sorry for her, he knew how she felt. Catherine had no doubt they would find her, but she was starting to get just as bored as Sara. But she remained looking at the screen. She wouldn't want people to give up on her, if she was in Sara's place.

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Sara was driving herself nuts. She had counted to a hundred for like, ten times now. She wasn't going to last long like this.

She was lying on the ground, trying to make her back hurt so much she had something else to occupy her mind on.

Suddenly she heared something. Her feet, that had been moving around, stopped. She laid still, on the ground. Then she heared someone open the door. Was she found already? She hoped so, but she didn't really belief that.

She quickly sat up as the door opened. A man was throwed in and the door was shut again. Sara looked at the man, who was getting up from the floor.

She felt relieved, disapointed and sad when she recognized him. "Russ?"

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**Well, this one was a little longer. I have a little idea of how the story around Sara will go. The people at the lab are more difficult, but I'll try. I'm sorry if there is many wrong spelling, the spelling check thing on the computer broke down, so... I loved the reviews so keep on! En het is fijn om nog een Nederlander te heben hier,** **dark-girl-faith-sidle**!

**You might think I'm crazy but that was just a little bit of Dutch... I promise I will update soon. It's the hollidays right now so I'll have enough time. I hope you enjoyed the story.**

**Love Lily**


	3. Chapter 3

"Russ?" She stood up to help him get up from the floor. His brown hair was hiding his eyes. The same ones Sara had.

"Hey." He smiled. He was happy, but conserned, too. She could see that. "Are you okay?" The smile disappeared for worry.

"Yeah, I'm fine... how about you?" She asked while she studied him thoroughly. He looked quite okay. He had a bruise on his face. He was beaten just like she was. But besides that he seemed okay.

"Do you know...who did this? Where are we? Why-"

"I don't know Sara. Im sorry, but I know just as much as you do, I think. Well, I do know it's a man..." He knew it wasn't really helpfull, but it was the best he got.

They sat down, against the wall. "How long have you been here?" She looked at him.

"About three days, I guess. I'm not sure though, I have really lost track of time these days." He looked at the window. "That locked?" He asked while pointing at it.

"Yeah..." She sighed. "How'd you come here?" She wanted him to look at her, but he didn't. He was thinking, she knew.

"Me and J were on our way to Vegas actually..." She immedeately turned her head to look at him.

"J's here, too?" She asked.

He nodded. "He's still in the other room..." When he saw her face he added: "Don't worry, he's fine."

She decided to worry about J later and concentrated on Russ again. "So why did you come to Vegas?" She was curious. He had never left San Fransisco before.

"Well, it is your birthday, our birthday, next week..." He lied, she knew him well enough to see that. Even though it would be their birthday next week. Russ had never left his house for that, she usually came to him.

"Yeah, it is our birthday next week... But that's not why you were coming to Vegas. You're just making that up to pretend you're such a good brother." She wasn't mad that he lied to her. She knew he was trying to be a good brother, and she appreceaded it.

"What do you read minds now?" He asked chuckeling.

"Your mind, my mind... There's not really much of a difference... twin's minds are the same, you know." She smiled. She knew she was wrong.

"Well, the day that we actually have the same thoughts about something has yet to come, my friend." She laughed at his remark. He liked to make her laugh.

"So why were you really going there?" She said more serious.

"J had some problems with a girl. He said it was a immergency. I didn't really belief him, but I was bored and I just got the car and..." He saw her look. Shit, he was busted.

"Russ, you don't have a car." She said in a suspicious tone.

"Well, I kinda do now..." He said looking at the ground, a huge grin on his face.

She chuckled. "That's not funny Russ!" She tried to sound mad, but was failing misserely.

"Then were's that smile coming from?" He was smiling himself, too. He couldn't help but grin whenever he saw her smile.

"Russ you can't just steal a car to go after one of J's girls!" She still wasn't sounding really mad at all. And she knew she had no right of speaking. They used to steal cars together, and with J, when they were kids.

"It wasn't just for the girl, it was for you, too!" He laid on the ground now. His feet against the wall, next to her head. As if he wanted to make sure he could walk straight away if the room would turn 45 degrees.

"You know that's not true..." She sighed. And followed his example by lying down with her feet up the wall.

Suddenly his face was serious, allmost sad. She knew he was thinking about their childhood, their lives. It always made her said, too.

"Why is it so hard for us Sara?" His voice was small and unsteady.

"What is?" She asked softly.

"Everything..." He whispered now.

She smiled, looking at the ceiling. "Could you be a little more specific?"

"No..."

She sighed. She knew he had had a hard time. They both had had a hard time. She wanted to say the right words but instead she said:

"I don't know Russ, I just don't know... I guess...I guess some people just don't deserve to have an easy life..." She knew there was a much better answer but she just couldn't think of it right now.

She saw him shaking his head from the corner of her eyes. "Everyone deserves the same, Sara." She looked at him. He was right. He was always right.

Her eyes burried holes into the ceiling. And his eyes burried holes into the scar on his arm that he wished was gone. But he knew that wishing wouldn't help. 'Cause a little brown-eyed girl once told him that "wishing is useless, unless you have an angel." He already knew who his angel was, she just didn't know it yet. He looked at Sara one more time, and then he closed his eyes, trying to sleep.

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**Hey! Well, now you know who Russ is. And next chapter will reveal who J is and a bit about Sara's life as well. I hope you liked this chapter. I loved writing it so much! I really want to thank you for the reviews once more... I will update soon...**

**Love Lily**

_whishing is useless, unless you have an angel_


	4. Chapter 4

Catherine looked at Nick. She was surprised. Sara never talked about her brother. And their conversation had left her with a sad feeling. Although she didn't know why.

"I'll go and get Grissom and the rest." Nick said when he saw Catherine deep in her thoughts. She nodded.

Somehow she didn't mind staying here watching the tape all day. Something had made her curious and she suddenly wanted to know more about Sara and Russ. It was a shame they hadn't found anything helpfull yet.

"Well, and he turned out to be her brother and- Oh well, just watch it." He nodded at Catherine who showed them what they had been watching just a few minutes ago.

"Okay...Greg, you're going to find out as much as possible about Russ... Catherine, you-" Grissom was cut of by her.

"Would you mind is I just stay here and watch?" She hoped she didn't have to explain.

"Em... sure. Nick, you come with me. Oh and Warrick, you just stay with Catherine." Grissom ordered. Warrick nodded and took a seet next to Catherine.

"So, what are they doing now?" He asked looking at her.

"Nothing, just trying to sleep, I guess." She stared back at the screen. Warrick sighed. This was going to be a long day...

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Sara woke up when the door opened. Another man was pushed into the room.

"I can get in a room myself! No need to push!" He yelled, but the door was already closed and locked. Sara walked up to him.

"Sssssh" She laid a finger on her lips and pointed to Russ, who was still sleeping.

"We both know he won't wake up..." The man said chuckleling. His skin was a bit tanned. He was probably from southern America. He spoke with a Spanish accent, too. He had brown eyes and his black hair hung in plaits in his neck.

"You okay Josh?" She asked him. He nodded and looked around.

"Well, how come you guys got a better room than I did?" He asked smiling.

"Get that grin of you're face, will you! This is not funny!" She was a bit angry that he wasn't taking this seriously.

"Sssssh...You don't want to wake him..." He pointed at Russ. The grin still on his face.

"Oh, just shut up." She whispered angry.

"Look, don't be so nervous, girl... It's not like this is the first time we're locked up somewhere..." He sat down and so did Sara. "You remember that time we broke into the school?" She looked at the floor. And she smiled when she recalled that night...

_"Come on!" A young Sara was pulling her brother's arm into the direction of their school. She was small, much smaller than the two guys. _

_They were fifteen, all of them. Russ's hair was a bit longer that it was now. And Josh's was in plaits, but now covered with a baseball cap. Sara's hair was in plaits, too. They were a bit longer than Josh's. She wore a pair of jeans that were a bit too big for her, and a army printed tank-top. Her orange sneakers looked like they had costed way more than she could effort. Josh was waring his training pants and a big grey sweater, and he had a shining earring in his left ear. _

_"So, where is it?" Josh looked around to check if no one_ _was following them._

_"Well, we went to bed at about five in the morning. But I couldn't really sleep__ so I thought I'd just go to school for once. Since I was already awake. And in the break I found the hole." Her voice was filled with exitement._

_They stood at the back of the school now. Sara pointed up._

_"See, we can make so much trouble!" She rubbed her hands against each other._

_"Yeah, and we could get in so much trouble..." Russ said. But then he smacked his head with his hand. "What am I talking about? Let's go!" _

_After a long argue, they decided Sara had to go first. They lifted her so she could reach the hole in the window and she ealily climbed through it. After all, this wasn't the first time she had done this. Russ and Josh came up with a bit more trouble. They were bigger and the hole wasn't that big! _

_They were all in and decided to go to the cafeteria. But suddenly they heared people talking. _

_"Shit! Come here quick!" Sara hid under a table and the boys followed her example._

_"So here it is... See, the window is broken and it's getting colder these days so if you could do something that would be nice..." _

_It was their principal, they knew. Not that they really spent much time in school, but if they were in school they would spend the most time in his office._

_"Who do you think that did this?" The other guy asked him._

_"I don't know... The usual trouble makers, I guess. The Sidles and that Rodriques kid..." The three kids looked at each other. The same grin on each face. They sure were proud of their reputation in school._

_After a while the two men left and they left their hiding spots. Sara and Josh followed Russ back to the window. It was shut with tape._

_"So, how are we gonna get out of here?" Josh asked a bit worried._

_"Em... someone have a knife in their pockets?" Russ tried not to sound worried by making a joke._

_"Yeah, I always have one in my pocket..." Sara said. Russ laughed, but he soon noticed he was the only one._

_"Dude, I think she's serious." Josh pointed at Sara, who was flipping the knife open and getting a chair to cut the tape..._

"Yeah that was fun... But we were exidently locked up, Josh. Not kidnapped!" She was starting to get more worried with the second. It was like it just set in that they might not even survive this.

"We're gonne get out, girl. No worries." He took her hand in his and laid on the cold floor. "The floor in the other room was softer..." She laughed at his joke.

"Hey, shut up in there!" That was the first time Sara heared their kidnapper's voice. She immedeately sat up.

"What, you recognize him?" Josh sat up, too.

Sara closed her eyes and tried to think who the voice belonged to. And then she knew it. "It's my uncle...You know, the one that was supposed to take care of my and Russ when... when..." He knew what happened, and he also knew she couldn't talk about it. He took her hand again.

"But he left, a few weeks after your dad died right?"

"Yeah, it wasn't really much of a surprise... He was my father's brother, I mean." She looked at her hands and sighed.

"You think it would have been better if he had raised you and Russ?" Josh laid down again.

She looked at him, thinking. "Sometimes I do think how different my life would have been if he was caring for us and if he would have raised us... But the way he was, he would have only made things worse, I guess... And if he hadn't left, we would have never get stuck with you as a roommate..." She smiled when memories floated in her head once more...

_Three kids laid on the floor, the couch and partly on the table, partly on the couch. There were too many empty beer bottles and sigarrets on the floor to count._

_They were sixteen and last night was just one of those nights where they would just drink averything they could. Trying to wash away all the memories of the past week, in which they really succeaded. Sara, who was lying on the floor, opened her eyes and was surprised by the pain that ran though her head._

_"Jesus!" She moaned as she closed her eyes again._

_Russ was still sleeping deeply. He always slept the longest. Josh was lying on the couch. "We should go to school..." He managed to sit up._

_"Are you crazy!" Sara tried to sit, too, but failed and let herself fall back on the floor. _

_"It... it could be worse..." Josh tried to sound like he beliefed in his words, but it wasn't really working._

_"Well, you're certainly not having the same headache as I am!" He laughed at her remark, which only made her moan again and place her hand over her ears._

_"Sorry..." He appologised for laughing that hard. "I guess you have the worst hangover... you drank the most last night..." _

_"Do you even remember a thing of last night?" She asked in disbelief. He grinned. Not a thing, he thought. They had succesfully washed away all of the memories... and it felt great..._

"We did everything so wrong..." He sighed. "We drank..."

"We smoked..." She added.

"We skipped school..."

"We stole..."

"We drank..." She gave him a weird look. "Yeah I thought I'd mention in twice... Since it was pretty much..." He explained. She chuckled along with him.

"You might as well mention everything twice." She said.

"It probalby would have been a lot easier if you were raised by someone who loved you..." He was whispering. He was tired, she knew. He only whispered when he was tired.

"Yeah, but also a lot less fun..." They looked at each other with the same grin they had on the day they broke into the school. And both of them slowly drifted of to sleep.

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**Hey. So, from now on there will be more flashbacks. Let me know if you like them... Em, next chapter will be added soon, I think. Tank you for reading my story and I'm going to head of to bed now, because it's 23:25 so bye!**

**Love Lily**

_They had succesfully washed away all of the memories... and it felt great..._


	5. Chapter 5

"I'll get Grissom, he needs to hear this..." Warrick walked away when Catherine didn't respond.

She was even more curious now. She wanted to know why Sara's father died, and why they drank and smoked and stole and all that stuff. She snapped out of her thoughts when Grissom, Warrick, and Nick came into the office.

"Check this out..." Warrick played the video.

"So, do we have a name on the uncle?" Grissom asked when the video ended.

"No, not yet..." Warrick sighed.

"Okay, Nick, you're going to find as much as you can about that Josh. I'll go after the uncle... and-"

"Hey guys... I have some background on the Sidles!" Greg came in verry exited. "Laura and Matt Sidle got two kids, Sara and Russel. When they were fourteen Laura killed Matt and the kids fell under care of Matt's only brother: Stan Sidle." Evefryone was chocked to hear about Sara's parents. Except for Grissom, he already knew.

"Well, Sara said her uncle left a few weeks after her father died..." It was the first time Catherine spoke. "They grew up with Josh. Three kids together in one hous, with no adult." No wonder they drank and everything, she thought.

"Good... everyone keep up the good work. Cath-"

"I'll stay here..." She said a little too fast.

"Em.. okay... and Greg, why don't you help Catherine..." Grissom walked out.

Greg took the seat next to Catherine.

"Did you know Sara's mother killed her father?" He asked.

"No, she never told me anything about her life..." Somehow she whished she would have been nicer to Sara. She could act a little strange sometimes, but now she knew she couldn't really blame her for that.

"I wonder why she did it..." Greg said, but he saw Catherine's attention was already back at the screen.

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Sara was the first one to wake, as usual. She walked to the window. She really wanted to get out of here. She knew she was here for probably just one day, but she was getting hungry and she was sick and tired of lying on that cold floor all day. She sighed. She barely knew her uncle. Why did he do this? It was probably in the family. Her father hadn't been a sweet man, so it wasn't a real big surprise her uncle wasn't, too.

She heared Russ waking up behind her. She didn't turn around. He sat up and looked around. He saw Sara standing by the window. He went standing next to her.

"It's uncle Stan..." Sara was the first one to speak after a while.

He looked at her. "Are you sure?" He just couldn't belief it, but she nodded.

It was really hurting that their kidnapper was family. They had had so much trouble with their family and now again. It was hurting really bad.

"Why can't we have a normal family?" She whispered.

"We have a normal family..." He said the words, but didn't mean them.

"Only say things you belief in, Russ." She was still staring out the window.

"What are you so sad about, Sara?" He wanted to know.

"Look, you can say that we have a normal family, that we have such a great life... But it's just not true! Stop kidding yourself...just stop it..." She went from almost screaming to less than whispering. With her words she made him relive one of the afternoons, when they were fourteen...

_Sara was walking on the street. Her sports bag in her hand. She did boksing, kickboksing. She had done that ever since she was twelve. It helpt her getting her frustrations out, she said. _

_It was freezing, it snowed and the wind blew cold on her face._

_She was almost home. It was only three weeks after her father died and her uncle was supposed to look after them._

_But this afternoon his car was cone. She dropped her bag and ran inside._

_"Russ! Russ where's Stan?" She asked when she found him on the couch._

_He sighed. "He left... I tried to stop him, but he just wouldn't listen. He said he didn't ask for this either and... he left." He was obviously upset. She just stared at him. She felt her anger raising. She needed to get out. She'd go back to the gym, so she could punch the bag as hard as she could, untill her hands hurt more than her heart. She turned and wanted to walk out._

_Russ stood up and catched up with her in the garden. He grabbed her arm and turned her around._

_"Sara, you can't go back now. You've trained so hard this week! You'll kill yourself!" He didn't let go of her when she struggled the break free from his grip._

_"Well that wouldn't be the worst thing to happen!" Before she knew it he slapped her on her cheek._

_"Don't you ever say stuff like that again!" How could she just say she wouldn't mind if she died? It wasn't all that bad, was it?_

_She just stared at him rubbing her cheek, which was already getting red. She couldn't belief he hit her. Maybe he was just like their father? She became more angry with the second and she knew she would be saying the worst stuff to him in any minute._

_"Oh, what do you want me to say then, huh! You want me to say that it's all good, that I'm so happy? You want me to say that I have such a great life, and such a loving family that cares about me so much? You want me to lie?!" She was screaming now. "Well, I'm sorry but that's just not the way it is! See, you can lie to yourself and say everything is alright, but that doesn't mean it **is **alright! You just need to stop lying to yourself, Russ! Stop kidding yourself, it's just low!" While she was talking she made huge movements with her arms, the way she always did when she was angry._

_"But I just thought that-" Russ tried to defend himself but he knew she was much stronger that he was._

_"You need to stop thinking! And start feeling...You can't run away for what you're feeling, Russ...Belief me, I've already tried..."_

_They just stood there staring at each other, untill Josh came outside._

_"Hey guys! I heard the uncle left! Do you know what that means... We have the house to outselves!" He was so exited he didn't even notice Sara and Russ, who were still staring at each other. Sara was the first to look away._

_"Yeah... So what are we waiting for... Let's go inside!" _

_She and Josh ran inside while they left Russ,who was still not moving, deep in thoughts..._

"Hey you guys! Am I the last one to wake?" Again Josh didn't notice a bit of the tention in the room.

"Well, do you see someone else still sleeping?" Sara snapped at him. He gave her a confused look. "Yes, you're the last one..." She sighed and stared out the window again. She wanted to get out of here, get away from the memories haunting her.

Sometimes, she really whished she could run away from her feelings...

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**Hey everyone! I hoped you liked this chapter. It's not verry long, but I didn't want to reveal too much of Sara's life in one chapter. Next one will show a bit of her life before her father died. I'm not sure how they will be found eventually. I think it will be really easy. So don't expect much of a cool plot. The story is more about Sara's life than about the kidnapped thing...  
I'd like to have some quotes of some of your favourite line or something in the reviews. Thank already and I really looking forward to recieving more reviews from you and I hope to update soon...**

**Love Lily**

_...so she could punch the bag as hard as she could, untill her hands hurt more than her heart..._


	6. Chapter 6

"So, when we get out of here, you have to introduce me to your colleages!" Josh said.

"As who shall I introduce you then? A friend, roommade, neighboor?" Sara asked.

"Don't forget "the man who saved my life!" Russ laughed hard at that.

_It was a very cold day in January. The Sidles had moved about a week ago. They couldn't pay for their old house, so they lived in the projects of San Fransisco now. Their house was small, and falling apart more every day. But Sara and Russ were already glad they even had a house. They were ten years old._

_They were sitting at the table. Russ on one side, and Sara on the other. Their father sat at the end. Their mother had come down a few minutes ago. She spent most time of the day in her room. She didn't want to have anything to do with their dad, or even with Sara and Russ. _

_They were very hungry, because this was the first time they had a real dinner in three days. Their father usually forgot to feed them. And he didn't like whining children, so they didn't ask him for food either. _

_Their father sat there without moving. He was testing their patience, Russ knew. Unfortunately, Sara didn't have much patience. _

_"Dad... may we start eating, please?" She tried not to sound scared. She had said to Russ not to look scared in front of their father. "He can smell your fear!" She had said to him. Russ had said that were dogs, but Sara was sure their dad had the same talent of smelling fear as dogs._

_Russ prepared himself for screaming, yelling and worse things. But instead of doing any of that, their dad nodded and picked up his fork. He was in a good mood._

_Sara smiled widely. She had done it. They started eating immedeately. After a few minutes, Sara's food was gone. She had the remarkeble talent of eating food really fast. He saw her looking from the empty plate, to the pan with food, to their dad. He dropped his fork to get her attention. She looked at him with that look. The look that said she was going to take a risk. Russ warned her with her eyes, but he knew it was too late. When his sister had something in mind, she would get it..._

_She looked at her dad and dropped her fork. "Dad... can I have some more?" That was it. She forgot to say "please". Russ smacked his head with his hand. He knew what would come next. She had ruined it._

_Suddenly a glass of water fell on the ground. Matt Sidle could no longer cantrol himfelf. Russ covered his ears with his hands at Sara's scream of pain when her father hit her hard on her cheek. She fell backwards, along with the chair. For a moment she layed still on the ground. But then she got up, only to feel another fist across her forehead._

_"You can't be happy with what you've got! That's not good!" Matt grabbed her arm and pulled it hard, so she had to stand on her toes to make in hurt less._

_"But dad... we haven't had any food for days!" Sara wasn't the kind of girl who would just shut up and listen to her dad._

_Matt didn't let go of her arm and started to walk to the door. Russ, who had been sitting at the table with his ears covered and his eyes shut, knew he had to help. They had promised to help each other at all times years ago. He quickly ran towards his dad and threw himself on his back._

_"Let her go!" He screamed. He couldn't stand it when his father hurt Sara like that. _

_Matt held Sara with one hand and with the other he managed to hit Russ in the stomach. He moaned and colasped in the middle of the hallway. Sara was struggleling to break free, with no succes. She knew what he was going to do. He opened the frontdoor and cold snow was blown into the house. _

_He was going to put her out, again. She pulled her arm with all her strenght, but he let go and she fell outside staggering. Matt closed the door and she could hear the lock click shut. Shit... he put her out, again._

_She knew he would go with beating Russ. And when he would be done, Russ would do everything he could to get to the door and let Sara in. But most of the time that took him about a whole night. _

_She shiffered at the white snow, that tingled her bare arms and legs. Her feed became numb, she didn't have any shoes on. _

_After she walked a few minutes, to keep herself warm, she knew it was useless. She would be cold anyway, so she whiped a bit of the snow away and settled on the snow-free piece of ground in front the fence around her house. She laid down and waited for sleep to come..._

_An hour later she woke up from yelling. She sat up and looked around, trying to see where it was coming from. The saw how the door from the house next to hers flew open. And a boy, about her age, was thrown out. The door was shut with a loud "bang"._

_The boy looked around and saw her sitting on her spot. He came up to her and sat down next to her._

_"Your dad's an asshole, too?" He asked. He had a Spanish accent. His hair was in plaits in his neck. She wasn't sure she could trust him, so she just nodded._

_"Are you cold?" He asked. She gave him a weird look. "Sorry... stupid question...I um...I have a blancked..." Without waiting for an aswer he stood up and disappeared in his garden. He came out with a big wollen blanked and bread._

_"Let's share this..." He drapped the blanked over her cold shoulders and gave her a piece of bread._

_"Does your dad drink, too?" Was the first thing she asked. Her voice was small, she had been out here for quite a long time, he thought._

_"Yeah...You're the new guys aren't you?" She nodded, her lips were frozen._

_"I...I'm Sara..." He noticed she could barely speak._

_"I'm Joshua." He shook the cold hand she had put out..._

"You didn't save my life! I wasn't going to die that night!" She said half laughing.

"How can you be so sure?" She gave him a look. "Oh, it just wasn't your time... Am I right?" He grinned as she rolled her eyes.

"Easy people, who knows how long we'll be stuck here together...!" Russ had tried to prevent a fight, but instead he made it sink in that they might have to be here for a whole longer time.

All three of them looked at the ground...

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Grissom came into the office followed by Nick and Warrick.

"Anything new?" He informed.

Catherine shook her head. "No, but they're starting to get more worried with the minute..." She sighed, she really wanted to find them.

"Well, I got something on Josh..." Nick opened the file in his hand and read. "Joshua Rodrigues, born in Brazil, came to San Fransisco with his dad when he was four years old. Lived next to the Sidles untill he was fourteen and his father left, then he moved in with them. Nothing interesting... Well, he has been caught when he stole some food from a local store. Two other kids got away. Well, I can guess who they were..."

"And anything on the uncle?" Greg wanted to know.

Warrick raised his hand. "Stanly Sidle, the only brother of Matt Sidle lives in Chicago. Well, he's not there at the moment, as we know. He was supposed to look after his brother's kids but took of. Has a reputation of local drunk in his town... That's it really..." He sighed, he knew it wasn't enough.

"Allright, just keep looking..." Grissom said to Nick and Warrick. "And you just keep watching..." He said to Greg and Catherine before walking off...

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**That was it for this chapter...I hope you liked it, again. Next chapter will probably be the end...With a confrontation with uncle Stan, so it will be a bit longer...Thanks again for the reviews and thanks for reading my story. I'm going to watch Bones now, so bye!**

**Love Lily**


	7. Chapter 7

Sara, Russ and Josh were sitting on the ground, again. They were silent. Russ and Sara because they were afraid of the memories comming back each time they spoke, and Josh because there simply wasn't anyone to talk with.

Suddenly they heared a noise at the door. Russ looked at Sara. Were they found? They stood up as the door opened. They were disapointed: it was Stan.

His hat, which had been hiding his face earlier, was gone. They stood there looking at each other in silence untill Sara couldn't take it anymore.

"Are you going to let us go?" Sara asked. The boys turned their heads to warn her. They knew Sara usually didn't think before she spoke.

She looked at Stan. "No." He said. Sara sighed in frustration. Russ and Josh shared a look.

Russ asked the next question before Sara could speak again. "Where are we?" He wanted to know.

"Don't you recognize it? You've lived here for about ten years!" He had an evil grin on his face. Josh turned to see the expression on Sara's face. Why didn't I notice? She asked herself. And the same question stood in Russ's eyes.

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Grissom's eyes widened. "I want someone to find out where they lived before they came to San Francisco!" He allmost screamed. Greg immediately ran off, followed by Warrick.

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Stan took a few steps towards them. Josh and Russ took the same ammount of steps back, but Sara just stayed on her spot.

"You're still not scared, huh?" She shiffered at his voice. "You were never scared..." Yeah I whish, she thought.

"Why are you doing this?" Russ asked. Josh just stayed watching them. He realised he had nothing to do with this. The only reason he was here, was because he happened to be in the same car as Russ.

"It's your father's fault!" Stan said.

My father is dead! Russ wanted to say, but he closed his mouth immediately after opening it.

"When Matt met this girl... Laura..." Disaprovement came through in Stan's voice when he said their mother's name. "He couldn't stop talking about her...he instantly moved in with her!" He sounded mad. "He just left me! He left me for some girl...he promised he would never do that!"

Sara wasn't sure she wanted to hear his story. She suddenly regretted she hadn't taken those steps back a few minutes ago. She wanted to be close to Russ now...

"He got two kids..." He pointed at Sara and Russ. "He couldn't stop saying how beautiful they were..."

Sara didn't belief it, their father had never loved them!

"It was too much... too much for me! He only spent time with his family... I was just **so** jealous!" Stan continued.

Russ didn't know if he could belief Stan. He discribed their father as such a nice man, something they would never discribe him as!

"I knew about the drinking problem he had in high school! It seemed like the perfect weapon... I was going to ruin the happy family, through the father himself! It was such a great plan..." Sara could feel the anger raise inside her. She couldn't belief what she was hearing!

"I convinced him to go with me to a bar once...got him all drunk...I knew how he was when he was drunk...It didn't take long time for him to develop a drinking problem again. From then everything just went so well! He came to me so many times...all drunk...telling me those kids drove him nuts! He asked me what he should do about it... you know what my aswer was..."

Yeah, to beat the crap out of us! Russ thought. He was getting more angry with the minute. He looked over at Sara. Her hands had turned into fists a few sentences before.

"I knew he would kill you eventually...that was my plan...he would beat you untill there was nothing left but two little lifeless bodies!" Stan just told them about this, like it was a brilliant plan.

Sara wanted to place her hands over her ears, but she was too angry to move...She wanted him to stop, but she wanted him to continue at the same time...she wanted to know the truth...

"How about Laura?" She asked with a small voice. She always called her mother by her name, she never said "mum" or "mother". She didn't have the feeling that she knew Laura well enough for that. She had never really paid any attention to them.

Russ looked at the ground. She wanted to know everything now, he knew. He knew the truth was hurting, that's why he didn't really want to know it...he wanted to run away, but Sara never ran away for anything...

"She came to me once...I think you guys were six, something tike that...she asked me for help...she said she wanted to stop it, she wanted to kick him out! I couldn't let her do that... you see, Matt was supposed to hurt her, not the other way around! I told her she'd better not do anything...she could see what Matt could do...she didn't want him to hurt her too, huh?...she couldn't become a victim too!... the only thing she could do was stay away from him, from you...I scared her. I convinced her not to help you guys, to make sure she wouldn't do anything! And it worked pretty well, didn't it? And you thought she didn't love you, that she didn't care? Well, she did! She did..."

Well, she didn't love us enough to help us! Sara thought...

_It was a few years ago. She was visiting Russ and Josh. They were still living in their old house in San Francisco. They couldn't efford to move. Both of them dropped out of school when Russ's and Sara's father died, to go to work. They never got a good-payed job, so Sara would give them a bit of her money every moth. _

_Russ had forbitten her to drop out of school, too. She said she could help by working, too. But Russ told her she was too smart to give up school. Besides, someone had to pay their bills when they grew older..._

_"Sara, I want to show you something..." Russ came into the living room with a big box in his hands. _

_"What's that?" Sara asked as she got up from the couch to help her brother with the heavy box. _

_"We found it upstairs..." Josh said. They sat down at the couch, the box placed in front of them._

_"So what's in it?" Sara was curious. Russ opened the box for her._

_"Look... I think it's from mum..." He said carefully. He knew their mother was a sensitive subject with Sara._

_She looked at him and then she peered into the box. In it were some old stuff, but mostly foto's of their family. Sara studied them each a few seconds. To her they had no meaning, but she knew they did to Russ. _

_"Why would Laura keep this?" She asked. _

_"Why do you always call her Laura? She was our mother, you know..." Russ knew he was asking for trouble with this question. And for once Josh **did** notice the building tention in the room, and he excused himself and went to his room. He wasn't in the mood for one of their fights today._

_"Why don't I call her "mum", you mean." It wasn't really a question, more of a statement. "I don't call her that because I never really saw her as our mother..." She knew he wouldn't understand._

_"But-" Before Russ could speak, Sara tried to explain again._

_"A mother is supposed to protect her children, Russ. She never protected us!" Russ felt she was getting angry._

_"You just really hate her, don't you?" He couldn't hold back._

_"Yes, I do really hate her!" She sat at the edge of the couch. "Don't you?" She asked._

_"Well, I mean...She was our mother!" He just didn't understand his sister sometimes._

_"Yeah, and we were her children!" She stood up from the couch. "She was supposed to love us, Russ!"_

_"She did!" Russ stood up, too. This wouldn't end nicely, he could predict._

_"Well, apparently she didn't love us enough to protect us from him!" Russ knew Sara had been mad at her for not protecting them all her life._

_"She was scared!" He tried to defend his mother. But for what reason, she died in prison a few years ago. Maybe he wasn't trying to defend **her**, but his own dreames. 'Cause in his dreames she loved him, she protected him..._

_"Didn't she see we were just as scared as she was?" Sara's voice was small. She was right. She knew it, he knew it. _

_"She should have done much better, she could have done so much better..." She was at the point of breaking down. Russ whished she would stop. He whished she wouldn't hurt herself like this. _

_But she just continued. "Don't you know how many times I asked her to help? I begged her...I screamed at her...I...I hit her...I held on to her so she couldn't leave us before she had done something..." Her voice faded as long-held tears spilled on her cheek. "But she just didn't do anything...she didn't do a thing..."_

_Russ held her while she was crying. His own eyes filled with tears at the sight of his broken sister..._

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**Wow, I think I'll just stop here...It will be a little bit too much for one chapter otherwise...I hope you like the plot a little bit...It's a bit unrealistic, I guess, but I needed to fit the dialoges into the story, so... Well, I can't wait to write the last one... I saved the best flashback till the last! (well, of course that's your oppinion...) Please keep up the reviews... and keep reading... Hope to update soon.**

**Love Lily**


	8. chapter 8

"I got it!" Greg came storming into the office. "I mean, **we** got it..." He looked at Warrick.

"No joking now, Greg!" Grissom warned him.

"Check this out, before they came to San Francisco, the Sidles lived in Vegas!" His voice was filled with exitement.

"Okay good. Nick, get the car. Everyone come with me." He looked over at the screen and at Catherine. "Would you mind-" He started.

"Not at all...Go!" He hurried out of the office followed by the rest, exept for Catherine. She was glad she could stay here. Not that she didn't want to find Sara. She just wanted to know more about Stan's plan.

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Sara, Russ and Josh were still listening to Stan. They hadn't moved a muscle ever since he had started talking.

"So everything went so well..." Stan continued. "Matt was slowly distroing you guys, and Laura was slowly distroing herself...Soon Matt would be all mine again...But then something went wrong!" He stopped to think.

Josh knew what went wrong. He found it hard to listed to Stan. He knew he was hurting Russ and Sara with his story. He couldn't stand them being hurt. They were his best friends. He whished Stan would just stop. Be he knew he wouldn't.

"Matt wanted to stop...he said he wanted to change...he couldn't stand seeing his kids like this! I couldn't let that happen...I was losing Matt more and more...he wasn't listening to me anymore...and then it came to the point where I didn't want him anymore...he was ruining everything! I was losing him..." He closed his eyes. "And then I thought that if I couldn't have **him**, then I could at least hurt the ones that made me lose him...I needed to hurt you guys...I couldn't think of any other way..."

Sara felt tears in her eyes. She couldn't believe it was him all the time. She hated her parents so much for doing what the did. She couldn't believe it. She was so close to a normal life all that time. If only Stan wouldn't have been there...

"I called Laura...asked her if she still wanted to help her kids, and herself. Of course she did...I didn't expect any other answer. I told her that the only way to solve the problem, was to get rid of the problem itself. Matt needed to die!" He was holding back tears for what he had done. "She needed to kill him...I convinced her she needed to kill him...and then she did it!" He lowered his head in shame...

_Sara was walking down the street. She was on her way home from her boksing training. Russ and she had just turned fourteen __a  
__few weeks ago. _

_She reached the frontdoor and tried to sneak up the stairs as silent as possible. She didn't want her dad to know she was home. It was just another day and he would probably be home, drunk._

_When she was upstairs she heared something. It was yelling. But this time it was not the usual yelling of her dad and her or Russ. No, this time it was her dad and Laura! _

_She couldn't remember the last time Laura had looked at her. She couldn't remember the last time she had laughed. She had never seen her smile. For all she knew, Laura had never even spoken a word. So to hear her yelling at her dad, that was just really strange. _

_S__omething was wrong. There was this tention in the air. Not the usual tention, that surrounded her house. No, this time it was much stronger._

_She ran to Russ's room, but it was empty. She was scared. Together they could do a lot. But when they were apart, they were just two small kids. _

_Se tried to hear where the yelling was coming from. Their dad's bedroom. _

_She quickly ran towards the door. She had never been in her dad's room before. She just wouldn't dare to open the door. She was always afraid that she would get caught and all hell broke lose. _

_She opened the door slowly. It took a while to process the immage in front of her. She thought it looked like she was in a horror movie, only this was real._

_Her dad was lying against the wall and Laura stood over him with a knife in her hand. Sara blinked a few times. There was no way this was really happening! _

_She tried to blink as hard as she could, but unlike in the movies, the horrible immage didn't fade away into air. Instead, it settled itself deep into her head and heart. _

_She looked at her father. He looked scared. He had the same look they had on their faces when he came closer. She didn't see any blood on his shirt. She felt releaved, she wasn't too late!_

_She saw that Laura was lifing the knife above her head. She could feel a wave of panic go through her body. Within seconds Laura would have lifted the knife high enough and bringing it down with all the strength she had._

_Sara thought quickly. She knew she was too far away from Laura to stop her. But she couldn't let her father be killed! _

_Then she saw Russ standing next to Laura. She felt releaved for a moment, but then she saw in his eyes that he wasn't going to stop her. It was too late for her, but for him it wasn't!_

_"Russ!" She screamed. "Russ, do something... stop her!" Panic came through her voice, but Russ didn't seem to hear her. He didn't move a muscle. She had never felt a bigger distance between them. It was like the time had stopped for him, but for her it went on in high-speed. _

_She saw the knife was now above Laura's head. She tried once more. This was her last chance._

_"Russ, please!" She felt a tear running over her cheek, when she saw it was too late. She felt so powerless, she was so powerless. _

_She tried to scream when Laura stabbed her father. One, two, three, four times. Even though she hadn't given her brain the order to cound the stabbes, it did. _

_She opened her mouth but there was no sound coming out of it. She felt dizzy and she looked at Russ, who had fallen to the ground and was crying and skaking with his hands covering his ears. The way he always did when he was scared. _

_She couldn't see Laura or her dad. It was like they were disappeared into the air. Though she could feel their pressence all around her._

_The time seemed to have stopped for her too, untill the police came and got them out of the house. She hadn't even noticed herself calling them. Her brain and her body weren't working together anymore. _

_Before she knew it her legs had carried her outside. She stood next to Russ. They weren't speaking, crying, screaming. They did nothing. It was like they were frozen._

_Josh had come out of his house when he saw the police stopping at his friends' place. He didn't know what to say, he was chocked, just like Russ and Sara. They hadn't said a word since the sound of the knife, sucking the life out of their father, had gone through their ears. _

_Suddenly Laura came out of the house. She was handcuffed and the policemen were pushing her in the direction of the car. She looked at her children when she walked past them. Sara saw the tears in her eyes, but she didn't believe they were sad tears. _

_Laura opened her mouth to speak. And Sara waited for those particular words to come out: I love you. That was all she wanted. She just wanted someone to tell her she was good, that it wasn't her fault. But Laura's mouth closed before letting any words out. _

_Sara turned her head away from Laura, she was so disapointed. She didn't want to see her ever again! _

_Russ just stared at nothing in particular, with empty eyes. He was locked inside his head. He was thinking of things to say, but he couldn't think clear._

_When Laura was put in the car Josh laid a hand on Sara's shoulder, who was shaking. She felt her sadness flow away and make place for anger._

_"Why didn't you do anything?" Her voice was low and husky. She stood in front of Russ, with her arms crossed in front of her. She just needed to yell at someone. She usually went to the gym when she was feeling like this. But this time it was just too __much to hold untill she was in the gym._

_It took him a moment for Russ to aswer, because he needed to find his voice first. "I...I didn't... I didn't want to... I mean, I wanted to do something...I-" He stammered. _

_He was prepared__ himself for screaming, yelling and worse things. And unlike that night when they were ten, there **was** screaming, yelling and maybe even worse things._

_"You were supposed to stop her! Why didn't you stop her?!" She stepped closer. He didn't back away. He couldn't back away from his sister. He knew what she was doing. She just needed someone to shout at. He wanted to be that person for her, he wanted to help her. But he didn't know if he was strong enough not to believe in all the horrible things she was about to say to him._

_"Maybe you need to calm down a bit?" Josh offered, but Sara didn't even hear him. He knew he should let them alone, but he couldn't help himself._

_She started crying. "Why Russ... Why?" She asked him desparately. She was shaking, not from anger this time, but from crying._

_"Calm down, please. Everything is over now... it'll be much better... I promise." He could only whisper. He wanted to grab her hand, but she quickly pulled it away. _

_"How could you say that! You just don't understand, do you? This is just the beginning!" She made huge movements with her arms. "It'll only get worse!" She wanted him to understand. Couldn't he see that this wasn't right?_

_Russ opened his mouth to say something, but the first moment no sound came out of it._

_"I really wanted to do something! But I just couldn't move! I was too scared, Sara. What did you expect me to do? She had a knife in her hand!" He tried to defend himself against her words. He wasn't strong enough. He wanted to be the one she could release her anger on, she could shout at. But he wasn't strong enough not to listen to her words._

_"You weren't scared! You just were a coward, a chicken!" More tears streamed down her cheeks as she started hitting him on the chest with her fists. "Just...like...Laura!" With every word she hit him_. _Her voice was low and she tried to make her last words sound as mean as possible. She didn't want to be here any longer. It hurt too much. She needed to go, now!_

_Russ saw the look in her eyes. She was going to run. He tried to grab her arm, but it was too late. She was already running away from him. He had ruined it. Tears fell out of his eyes. His knees were getting weaker. And before he could colapse on the ground, Josh catched him. _

_"It's okay, man..." He said as he hugged his friend. "She didn't mean it... it's okay..." He rubbed Russ's back as he cried..._

A tear ran down Sara's cheek. There wasn't a night that had gone past without that nightmare. The immages of that night kept playing in her head over and over when she was at home, alone. The only reason she was such a workaholic was because she was trying to escape from her past, that was haunting her. The only reason she was so angry was because of what Laura had done.

Russ saw one of her tears fall onto the floor. His own eyes were filled with them, too. He couldn't believe it was Stan all that time. If only they had known...

"I knew I had to take care of you from then... Matt was gone...Laura was gone...you were the only ones left..." No one really listened to him anymore. They were all drowning in their own memories of that night. "I figured if I just left you guys, you would just die...You were young...you couldn't take care of yourselves, I thought..." Tears ran down his cheeks as well. "I was wrong...I was so wrong to underestimate you guys like that...You were much stronger than I thought, much stronger..."

Maybe we're not as strong as you think, Sara thought as she tried to whipe her tears away.

"You were getting older and older...and I kept telling myself to wait...If I waited long enough you would die, that's what I kept telling myself. But deep in my heart I knew you weren't going to die...Maybe I just didn't want you to..." His voice faded away. He cried harder now. "And I have considered to go back, to go and kill you, so many times. But I just couldn't do it..." He was shaking.

Sara knew it was over. He wasn't going to kill them. She could feel it. Suddenly all of her fears were gone and she could move again. She slowly walked backwards untill she felt a warm hand reaching out for hers. She looked to the right and found Russ, staring into nothing.

The tears on his cheeks spoke more than all the words he had ever said. Then she felt a hand on her shoulder. Josh was standing next to her. He couldn't think of anything to say, so this was the best way to tell her he was sorry.

"And now you're here. Both of you, and a friend, too..." Stan looked at Josh. "And I had planned to do it...I had so many uppertunities...but I just couldn't...you're the only thing that reminds me of my brother...and...I just can't..."

Suddenly the door was unlocked, flew open and a few policemen came in. They immediately grabbed Stan, who didn't even struggle.

Russ let go of Sara's hand and looked at her. They were saved! He wanted to laugh, but he could only cry. But they were tears of joy.

He hugged her first and then Josh. Sara saw Grissom, Nick, Greg and Warrick come through the door. She knew they would find her somehow! She quickly whiped away the tears that remained on her cheek with the back of her hand.

"Are you okay?" Nick asked. The question was not specially meant for her, but for all three of them.

They nodded. Sara was the first one to find her voice. "Em...I'd like you to meet my brother, Russ..." She said as she pointed at him. "And this is Josh...em..." She looked at him before saying: "He saved my life once..." Russ and Josh laughed. And they were surprised to find Greg laughing along...

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**Yes, Greg was there watching the tape when Sara and Josh argued about him having "saved" her life (just making sure you get it...). I really really hope you liked it! I had such a great time writing the story, but I'm also glad that it's over...See, the longer you write, the more time there is to ruin it! I just think it shouldn't go any further. This is a nice end for it. I'll be back writing an other story soon. I think I'm going to write one where they are in high school. I think that would be fun. I just hope you don't forget to review my last chapter...Thanks to all the people who have read the story... and also thanks to all the reviewers once again. I'm looking forward to hearing for you when I'm writing a new story. Thank you so much.**

**Love Lily.**

_It was like the time had stopped for him, but for her it went on in high-speed... _


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